I always knew i was going to go on a gap year. I told everyone and everyone seemed to be so happy for me, accepting, encouraging, even jealous.

Now I’m not going on a gap year. I’m not going to Europe, I’m not going to couch surf, to cook on caravan camp stove tops, meet English boys and see the Eiffel Tower. No one seems so excited about that.

It happened all of a sudden, as if deep down I knew. This wasn’t going to work out. I dreaded 6 months of standing in front of a cash register - the job I needed to get the money. While I was excited to see the world, becoming an au pair was appealing to me less and less. Spending 4 months with a family of adults and young children - how would I pass the time without anyone I could relate to? I know what homesickness feels like and I know living in a foreign country can induce it.

So I made the decision. No gap year. Though I clung to traveling in the mid year break. Committed to this unrealistic plan, I was delusional. I realise that now and I feel defeated. I do not have enough money nor the time for a worthwhile trip.

How can my plans have changed so drastically in such a short space of time? I am excited for the opportunities my decisions have opened for me, but at the same time i can’t help but think - Am I simply taking the easy way out? Will I ever have the opportunity to do this amount of traveling again? Will I ever take the opportunity or will I always find excuses?